 A Lesson in TransformationWhile running errands to prepare for our Christmas dinner last week, I seemed to have lost my favorite necklace. Everyone, who knows me, will tell you that very rarely would you see me without my "tree of life" necklace. It is special to me for a couple of reasons. First, I purchased it during a fundraiser for my friend’s daughter – to raise awareness and research dollars for Autism. And secondly, because trees have always inspired me. I’m in awe the way they transform from season to season. In winter, I find them to be incredibly beautiful when they stand naked and vulnerable against an ominous sky. As I’m running out of places to search my necklace, I begin to look under our Christmas tree, hoping that it would have slipped off while I was watering it or shifting around the gifts on Christmas day. During the hunt, I smell the wonderful aroma of a very alive tree. It makes me smile. And it reminds me of my special connection to trees. While receiving my training as a holistic health practitioner at Mt. Nittany Institute of Natural Health, we spent a weekend with nature as our teacher. We visited Tait Farm and spent almost a whole day there learning of the health benefits of "live" food and the connection that the farmers and gardeners have with every seed, plant, tree, and fruit. The fondly spoke of how trees were a metaphor for our spiritual growth, and told us how important it was to nurture the tree (translation: spirit) and encourage it to grow and bear fruit. We picked our food for the day (literally), prepared it in the greenhouse, ate it on the lawn, and were blessed and sent forth to begin our life-giving work in the world. In the years that followed, I took the tree metaphor to heart, and every place I went (new home, office, vacation, etc), I sought out to find a tree to connect with. While attending the Mt. Nittany program, something else life changing occurred. I was diagnosed with a blood cancer. What followed was a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. I sought medical opinion after medical and opinion, which led to same end…the diagnosis was for real. I spoke with family and loved ones and then made the decision that I would fully take charge of fighting this "thing." So, I resigned from my position, which at the time was Executive Director of a community development corporation (where I was earning about $55K annually), and threw myself into understanding everything about this disease and alternative treatments. I must say that the resignation was not solely my idea. The last hematologist that I spoke to was brutally honest with me about this disease. He cited such truths as the ridiculousness of continuing to get medical opinions, hoping the diagnosis will change; the likelihood that my lifestyle paid a major factor in its attack on my body; and that whatever treatment was prescribed would be aggressive in the beginning and would be best effective if I limited certain stressors in my life. Well the major stressor at the time was trying to keep a trouble organization afloat - so I left. Hoping for a miracle, I sought the treatment from The Cancer Centers of America and the world-renowned Johns Hopkins Hospital, while researching natural and alternative treatments with my friends at Mt. Nittany. For the next two years I meditated and waited for something to shift in this disease and in my life. I believed I had a destiny to fulfill as a holistic health practitioner and life coach, even if I couldn’t see my way out of my current situation. Struggling to accept my experience, I felt abandoned by God. My ego wanted me to take control, figure things out, take action, do something – anything to break out of my situation. Day after day, the fear of being stuck dominated my thoughts. I was restless, trying to figure out everything on my own. I resisted, and fought hard to find something to hold on to that would give me a sense of stability, security, a reference point, but found nothing. Depression set in. I was beginning to lose hope. I desperately needed a resolution. Feeling the need to just get away from the house, I went to Barnes & Noble and Spirit led me to a book called When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun. This woman walked her talk. She had survived many tragedies in her life. Her book taught me ways to turn "painful emotions into wisdom, compassion and courage." As I learned to give up the struggle and accept my situation, I discovered how to get out of my head and into my heart. I started to see my circumstances as an opportunity for growth, instead of a problem to be solved. When I realized I hadn’t done anything wrong, and let go of the struggle and the shame, I discovered the power of God in me. With prayerful affirmations, I was able to receive new perspectives of my reality. I struggled with three temptations of ego. Like those Jesus faced in the desert. The first temptation, Provision, presented me with the challenge to trust in God as my provider. I have always been a responsible person and tried to figure out how to make opportunities happen to support my family and myself. With losing almost half of my household income, scarcity had become my worse enemy. Overcoming the urge to rely on my own ego for provision meant that I had to let go and let God be my sole provider. The lesson for me was about shifting to a receiving mode. My thoughts had dictated the scarcity reality – new thoughts would open me up to a belief in abundance. The second temptation was about Power. Since I felt powerless, was I looking outside myself hoping to fill me needs with a false sense of power? I could have chosen to drink, take drugs, overeat, or find some simple way to escape my pain. Pema Chodron’s words guided me to "relax in the paradox and ambiguity, to sit with the pain and be still while listening to what might arise from within." When I did, I became more vulnerable. Letting go of the feelings of shame for my powerlessness that had separated me from God and myself, I was able to experience a deeper intimacy and compassion for self. The third temptation involves Priority. There were things in my life that I gave a front row seat to. As I began to get better, I spent hours and days on the internet looking for jobs. I thought I would jump-start my destiny by desperately contacting people about my coaching services and my gift-making skills. Doors closed in my face everyday, and I felt the burn of rejection. My future was a blur; I felt abandoned and I blamed God. I realized I had to do some Spring cleaning – the removing of obstacles, to make way for God to be the priority in my life again. I was able to remove the limiting ideas I had for a job, and I became open to new possibilities of receiving divine opportunities. The minute I realized I was to embark on a new form of coaching, I made a commitment to let the work of God and perfect divine timing be the priority in my life. Everything shifted in me. Now Spirit had room to work in my life because I expected the unexpected, knowing that everyday miracles would show up. The cynical attitude I had developed had to go. Fear and doubt were replaced with the trust I was deeply loved by God who delights in serving my needs. My self-worth also needed examining. With God as my priority, I felt empowered with a new attitude. I began to experience my divinity and saw myself as an expression of God in the world, as a vessel for transformation as I coach. I understood now that Spirit would honor my gifts if I had the courage to step out into the world and share them. In the Spring of 2009, two years after my initial diagnosis, I received clear direction from Spirit, outlining the implications for my life’s work. Passion rose up in me as new insights flooded my brain. Filled with new energy, I recognized the blueprints for my destiny. Spirit had given me a new beginning. I was out of the desert. As I look at my Christmas tree during this last week of December, all adorned with red bulbs and gold tinsel, I smile to I know that in a few short days I will prepare it for another sacred journey. And with my desert experience behind me, I too set out for another sacred adventure in 2012…becoming what the Source of trees wants me to be. |
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